Life has a strange way of changing who you are and making you stronger than you ever thought you could be. One of the most traumatic events in a parent’s life is to bury a loved one – especially if that loved one is your own child.
People said that the pain of losing a child at birth can not be as traumatic as loosing a child at a later stage. It hurts just as much. I know because I lost 2 children at the beginning of their lives. I am not bitter and I do not blame God for any of this. Actually my bond with my God just became stronger and if it was not for Him I do not know how I would have got through all this. Alex’s Story:
Alex’s story starts in 2003. I was 39 years old and I had a son of 20 and a daughter of 16. I did not plan to have another child but sometimes these things do not ask to happen – it just happens for a reason. We don’t know why now but we will one day know. The gynecologist was very worried about my health as I had a double embolectome(I hope the spelling is right) in 1999 and blood clots had to be surgically removed in an emergency operation. Being pregnant was very dangerous for me because of the risk of further blood clots, which increases with pregnancy.
I refused to have an abortion as it is against my religion and I trusted that the Lord will keep me safe if he wants me to be pregnant. The pregnancy was very healthy and my baby boy, Alex grew healthy and strong and with every check up everything was fine. Then one day, (I was 34 weeks pregnant) he became very restless and kicked a lot. Normally he did kick when he heard my daughter’s voice when she used to speak to him against my tummy or when he heard the coins of her belly dance belt jingle, when she was dancing (she so love belly dancing). But this afternoon he was kicking excessively for no apparent reason.
The next morning there was no movement and I went to the clinic the same day but the news was not very good. Alex has passed away. I was shocked and could not believe that it could happen to me. His sonar scans was all so perfect, why is all I could ask over and over. The next day labor had to be induced and 16 hours later Alex was born. He was so beautiful and it looked like he was just sleeping. The Pediatrician who examined him could find no reason for his passing.
I had him with me until morning and then I went home with him. I know it sounds crazy and you would probably not agree to the reasoning behind it but I had to take him home to say my final farewell. He was dressed in a special outfit that I bought for him. I had him on my bed for a big part of the day. I cried so much that there was no tears left to cry any more and I felt completely dehydrated. In the afternoon after the family came by to say good bye, I put him in his crib with the fan on him to preserve him a bit. The next day the undertaker came to fetch him. I held him for the last time and his little nose bled on my chest.
In the church the coffin was open and he was so beautiful, peaceful, his little perfect lips were black now. His coffin was white and so tiny and my husband carried it. He was buried in the baby section and the street leading to that section was called Nursery road. Ironically my father died that same afternoon that Alex was buried. Now they had each other and they were not alone.
Kristy’s Story:
After loosing Alex I so desperately wanted a child. My whole being was crying out for a baby to hold and care for. Within 2 months I fell pregnant with Kristy. The Professor in charge of the blood disorder section of the hospital went ballistic when he found out about the pregnancy as the risk for blood clots was very real and on top of that I was 40 now.
It was a troubled pregnancy right from the start. I had an amniocentesis done to check for Down syndrome but it came back negative. The test established the sex of the baby to be a girl. I was happy again for a change. I never wanted to replace Alex. He was real and he was special for me and nothing could ever replace him.
When I went for my 20 week sonar, the Gynecologist found that the baby’s limbs were not in proportion to the growth of the body. We were told that the baby would be a little dwarf. I could live with that. There are many dwarfs in the world and they live a normal life. This child was so precious to me and I wanted her with all my heart.
Then the amniotic fluid started increasing at an alarming rate and I started having contractions. The doctor said that I would not carry full term and would have to have a caesarian at around 36 weeks. I was so determined to keep this baby inside me as long as possible to give her the best possible chance of survival and I fought with all my might against the contractions that came and went all the time. I spent a lot of time confined to bed and I was getting injections into the stomach to sort out the blood problems.
I understand now that the abnormal increase of amniotic fluid was nature’s way to get rid of the pregnancy as it was not life sustainable, but because of my determination to keep it, God allowed it to continue.
Kristy was born by caesarian section at 35 weeks after the doctor could do no more to stop the contractions. Kristy was born with Thanatophoric Dysplasia, a form of short-limbed dwarfism that usually causes death within the first few hours after birth. Thanatophoric dysplasia is due to a lethal mutation (change) in the same gene that produces achondroplasia, a familiar and far more common form of short-limbed dwarfism that is compatible with life.
In Thanatophoric dysplasia the bones of the arms and legs are very short. The ribs are also extremely short. The vertebral bodies of the spine are greatly reduced in height with wide spaces between them. The rib cage is small, leading to respiratory insufficiency and often to death. (This description was obtained from http://www.medterms.com). To make a long story short, Kristy’s lungs was too small to ever be able to breathe and the ribcage too small to allow the lungs to grow. She was on an oscillator that vibrated her body to force it to take in oxygen. She was on 80% oxygen and she didn’t have much movement and could only move one little foot slightly when you touched it.
Kristy had TD1 and therefore she did not have the cloverleaf skull like babies that has TD2. She had a lovely little face and I loved her then as much as I love her now. She had pipes and drains all over her head and body and was suffering greatly. There was nothing that could be done to save her life and after 4 days we had to turn off the machines that kept her alive. She died in my arms, peacefully.
It was a sad day when she was buried. Her little white coffin was once again carried by my husband and she was buried on top of her brother Alex.
Over the months I spend a lot of time at the cemetery as it seemed to help the healing process. In the beginning I could sense them being there and I loved being there as well, but as time went on I discovered that I was no longer feeling their presence there at the graves and I knew that their journey has eventually begun. Whenever I feel sad and cry over them then I remind myself to let go and to set them free because by mourning them continuously I am binding them to this earth.
I had a lot of support on the internet communicating with woman that was in similar situation than me. We helped each other come to terms with the death of our babies. It helped so much and I want to thank these ladies who with their kind words and support helped me find my feet again. It helps to know that you are not alone in these types of tragedies – there are so many other people going through the same thing.
I am glad that I took many photos of both my children. I also made a scrapbook with beautiful poems and prayers. This eternalize them in my heart and people will know that there once was a little boy called Alex and a little girl called Kristy, and even if their lives was but very short they came to make a difference in our lives.
If this letter can help someone else come to terms with their loss then once again it proves that my children did not die in vain. Keep your eyes on the Lord as he is strong and mighty and he will never let you down. Take one step at a time holding His hand and you will one day look back and see that you have progressed, slowly but surely and it does not hurt so much any more. Life is precious; treasure it as your journey here on earth is not done.
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Contributor's Note
In Loving Memory of Alex, Kristy and Dad
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